I love my family!

I haven't read through blogs or even looked at my blog in months, because there is one pressing occurrence in my life that I knew I needed to write about and document and I haven't wanted to let my heart open the wound again.

I was looking at my calender this morning and I realized that tomorrow would have been my baby's due date....so maybe now is a good time.

Back in the end of April, I was 3 months pregnant and I took Dallin and Thatcher with me to the Doctor's appointment so they could hear the baby's heart beat for the first time, but there was no heart beat. The doctor told me that the baby had died a week earlier. I was completely shocked and could hardly get control of myself to drive home. Poor Dallin and Thatcher didn't know what was going on. I simply told them that the baby's heart had stopped and the baby went back to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus. I was thankful that it really didn't affect them at all; later I remember hearing Dallin talking to my friend and just saying matter of factly that our baby died and went back to live with Heavenly Father.

The first few weeks were extremely traumatic for me and I remember thinking how it affected every part of me: spiritually, emotionally and physically. I never really asked "why me?" and got angry, I was more just hurt about it. My ward was amazing! One of our good friends came over before my D &C and assisted Jason in giving me a blessing, before he was leaving he said to remember that I needed to "let" people help me. That really hit me, because I really did want to be strong and I didn't feel like I needed help other than what Jason was already doing and providing for me. But, my amazing friends from church brought dinners in, sent cards and emails, gave flowers and chocolates and I felt so emotionally supported it was amazing.

I remember I was watching reruns of conference a night or two after we found out, while Jason took the boys outside to ride bikes and I was listening to a talk about one of the apostles that lost a newborn baby girl and a 2 year old boy in a matter of weeks of each other. He was talking about how he felt and also about how the Lord blessed and supported him during that time. While he was talking I was completely filled with the spirit. I felt every empty hole inside of me filled to the top and even overflowed! It was amazing. I was so grateful to my Heavenly Father. I felt so loved by Him and that he would comfort me and fill me like that when I was empty.

It was still a rough couple of months healing emotionally and physically, but time has really helped and also I find that the more I talk about it, the more I find others who have been in my same situation and it really has drawn me closer to women in general...

One thing I do remember is the Sunday after I found out the baby died, I went to church and at least half the people there knew what had happened, but at least half DIDN'T know and I remember thinking. They don't know....I have been through a traumatic, life changing experience this week and they don't know... I was talking to a good friend of mine, Holly Hansen, and she was saying that you just never know what people have been through each week. We see our friends and wave and say Hi in the hall, but do we really know what people are struggling with at home? She said, that's why we need to always treat people with the utmost kindness and give them the benefit of the doubt in every way we can, because we just don't know. ... Such a source of wisdom.

Through all the tests after the miscarriage I found that I have a blood clot disorder (MTHFR). My blood clots too easily. That's what happened to the baby, there was a blood clot in the umbilical cord and the baby didn't get nourished. Now every time I am pregnant, from day 1 to the end I have to give myself a shot in the stomach of Lovenox (blood thinner) every morning, it may turn my stomach black and blue and it may be very painful, but do you know what? If it works, it's worth it.

My siblings actually don't know this, but a couple of months ago I miscarried again. I was only 6-7 weeks along and so even though it was sad to have 2 in a row, it wasn't nearly as traumatic as the first miscarriage. After 2 in a row though....you really start to wonder if you are going to be able to carry any more children....but I try to quickly push those thoughts out of my mind, because I am not ready to think about things like that. I have to tell you though that I had 2 AMAZING experiences the week before the 2nd miscarriage. On Thursday night, Jason and I went to stake temple night, during one of the prayers, the man prayed for all the people whose names were on a list and that needed it....I almost started crying because I knew I was just barely pregnant and I was afraid. I knew that after the session my name would be on that list. He prayed that they would have the desires of their hearts, and the minute he said that my heart did a little jump, but then he said "according to Thy will" and I was filled with a peace and acceptance. That Yes! Whatever happened was going to be the Lord's will. I felt joy even though I knew I could possibly loose the child again. I accepted it, because I knew it would be whatever the Lord wanted.

Three days later I was sitting in Sunday School and we were talking about the Martin and Willie handcart companies and our amazing teacher was talking about ALL they had to go through and suffer to refine them and because it was the Lord's will. He asked the class if we would still hold strong amidst our trials and sufferings. I thought about what I had suffered and possibly what I may have to suffer in the future that could even be a lot worse than what I had already been through. I thought about the possibility that I might not have any more children and I asked myself...."If this is really what the Lord has in store for me, will I be okay with that? Will I still be strong and valiant in my faith and trust in our Heavenly Father's plan for me?" YES! I knew that I would accept anything the Lord has in store for me, it doesn't mean that I would not be sad about it, but I knew that I would still be as valiant probably even more so that I am today. I was completely filled again and I wasn't afraid anymore about what would happen because I knew I would be okay with whatever did happen. Two days later the nurse called me and told me my blood tests showed the pregnancy wasn't going to make it and that I would probably miscarry within the next week. As I was on the phone with her, I immediately was reminded about these 2 experiences that I had had merely days before and realized that Heavenly Father had helped "prepare" me for what was to come.

I have to say that even though this has been a really trying time for me, that it has been an intensely spiritual time for me as well and I feel like I am a better person for the experiences I have gone through. I have really just wanted to get this post down on paper for posterity reasons. I want my kids and anyone else in my family to know that I know that our Heavenly Father loves each of us and he KNOWS us and what we are going through. And that if we will let him he will support us and lift us and comfort us in whatever we maybe asked to go through in this life.

I can say that there has been a bit of a different dynamic in my family over the past few months. Going through this experience has really awakened me to a sense of how precious Dallin and Thatcher are. I love them so much and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for allowing 2 very precious spirits to bless our home! I love my family!